-by Alabaster Nixon

Antijesus and the Carnivores are the violent gag reaction to a mouthful of god-loving, vegetable-chomping, tree-huggin’ wussies. We can only have so much of this mindless, dogmatic drool stuffed down our throats before we must expunge it all and with the advent of Antijesus and the Carnivores we’re vomiting all over. How many ways can they squelch the human spirit? Anything even moderately enjoyable is branded sin by these god fearing panty wastes. And if something isn’t a sin it must be morally reprehensible, like eating meat or testing products on animals. Killing a human in the name of animal rights is morally reprehensible; eating meat is just nature’s way. Before the advent of our “civil” modern society man went out and killed wild beasts to stave off hunger. He did this not by decision, but by design; eating meat is what man is designed to do. Note the predatory placement of the eyes and the pointed, tearing teeth located so prominently in the month. No herbivore, this creature man. But as animals’ rights out shadow our own we are forced to stifle our natural instincts and scour the forest floor, foraging for nuts and berries. As for animal testing: if one human life is saved, it is worth the cost. I like animals; mainly for dinner, but also for companionship. But animals have limited possibilities. The one human saved by animal testing could cure cancer, become president, or pump your gas and check your oil. The most the animals could do is fuck. This, of course, puts them one up on us sorry humans, who at the most can jerk off while reading the Good Book. Any other manifestation of intrinsic human drives is likely to get one damned, or worse, labeled socially deviant. Sex is permissible only if it works to put more parishioners in the pews or more donations in the coffers. When all human acts are sin and all sins forgiven for a price it’s only a matter of doing the math. The Christian church is the world’s largest business and it’s our most potent emetic. But no matter what the source, the irritant is the same: ignorance and rigid adherence to a mindless doctrine dedicated to stifling human nature. Here it is not only Christianity that is guilty, but also the government, the schools, parents, and - let us not forget our old friends - the vegans. All seek to suppress what lies within them in the pursuit of some imagined higher cause. In this quest they have lost sight of the highest cause: to be what one is. For those who may have lost track, we are all humans. Humans have sex, they eat meat, they act in accordance with their desires and they think for themselves. Antijesus and the Carnivores embrace this human-ness that all others deny and deride. We plan on enjoying what we’ve got, because it’s all we’ve got. We only live once, and some people don’t even live that much. So quit your readin’, poindexter, and go eat some meat.